My fight with New Year Resolutions??

                              When it comes to hordes, New year resolutions are fine as good as facebook, twitter update and good aphrodisiac for conversation but commitment to them is akin to boyfriends promises that  rarely come true for the complete year, and to themnew year resolutions are like resolution for good health, new year resolutions for better love, sex etc etc.Mind you, it’s not an assumption; experienced on new year night when two friends of mine were in dilemma to join or not to join gurgaon X party.

These days everyone is talking about them, it does force me to evaluate myself over the past year. But then the past year is a mirror of all my past years. So I close my eyes and ask myself.

What do I want??? Not an easy question always at all, in today’s setting talking to self and self introspection sounds mundane and silly. Even an artist has an outline sketch that disciplines the painting. So what’s the plan of I want?

I want to be happyJ. But then I have walked with enough thinkers and mystics, psychologists and intellectuals to know that is just a word that describes a temporary moment of brain chemicals.  “Brain Chemicals” Now that is what frightens me most these days. Am I just a product of my brain chemicals? If it is so, what else is important then a still, restful and peaceful mind? That is easy. All I need is a prescription from a doctor.

What do I want???? Of course I should be making a step forward towards my goal. As an academician and entrepreneur, I want to communicate with my dreams as a curious student. So the basic question returns back. What and how do I communicate??? I have always been told I think too much and because of which I made mess. But that is not true either. Why should action be measured in terms of marketable creation? Is achievement and fame, monetary gains and material assets the fundamentals of measuring action? I 

am impatient always. Always on every move as in travelling, Interacting with people always.

What do I want??? What should I aspire for on this New Year? What is that fundamental idea that would encompass that which I desire most?

Now here is the problem. My desires change on a day to day basis. On a moment to moment basis like a child I get attracted from one desire to another, one idea to another. So how can I trust my desire to define that which I want most? I want a healthy life for as long as I can. I want all my family and those I love to be happy and healthy forever. I want to everyone to happy and healthy. I want there to be peace, a racism free, religion free, and violence free world. I want the Planet to be a greener and less polluted place.

All that which will never possible as the Buddha discovered much earlier in his life.

So really, what do I want? Not a wish list. Not a fantasy. Something I can achieve. Something real that underlies everything I have searched for. The root from which the rest naturally grows flowers. Is there such a root?

What do I want?

I want to be honest. Not as in truthful, But to live honestly in the moment, to live in honesty, not the honesty or truthfulness of the moment that passed. For that is a prejudice. Not in the truthfulness or honesty that may exist in the next moment, for that is either a fear or a fantasy, But the honesty of this moment, Honesty that needs absolute awareness. That honesty that is aware of all that there is without prejudice or dogma, without rules or desires. Where the moment stretches into an eternity from one moment to another.

Yes, I have walked with my teachers and friends who have taught me so much and tried to teach me fundamentals.

I have my path, stepping from one chaotic footstep to another, but hoping somehow that the unknown path so travelled finds harmony in the journey.

That is what I want. "The journey." That is honest to each step.